Infertility is not easy to deal with. I never knew how much it would still hurt. I was hoping that feeling would just go away. I know that I have been dealt this challenge for a reason, but why? I know that if I was able to get pregnant my life would be different. Trust me, I wouldn't trade Hollie and Ethan for the world, I KNOW they were to come to our family for a reason and would be here either way, but why couldn't I get pregnant also...is that asking to much? Maybe it is, but why? There are so many feelings I hold inside. Hearing people say they are pregnant is hard, seeing pregnant women is hard, seeing pictures of newborns laying on their mother's tummy is hard...that will never be me. Looking at blogs there are sometimes I just cry or just have to turn it off and not look at them for awhile, but it seems that when I do I just get frustrated. Trust me there is no one who is happier to see or hear someone who is pregnant, than I, because I understand that it is truly a miracle, but it will always hurt. Being infertile I carry so much guilt, guilt that one would never know or understand. it is so hard. I truly live through our birthmother's experience and I couldn't be more grateful for her, I love her more than she will ever know, she is my hero and she made my dreams come true. I will be forever indebted to her for her sacrifice. But, why can't the feelings of infertility just go away, I don't want to think about it, but I do. It is always in the back of my mind.
I got on my favorite blog today called the R house, this is an adoption blog. It just so happens that her post today is about infertility and car shopping. As I read this post tears streamed down my eyes and the words hit home. Infertility is a part of our lives in every way. You would never think car shopping and infertility go hand in hand, but they do. So does buying a house. The constant reminders of infertility are with us every day. I will always envy a pregnant woman and think she is so lucky to experience the miracle of childbirth. I wish so bad that I could, but I can't. I will always be grateful to my Heavenly Father for what he has given me for my miracle babies Hollie and Ethan, they mean the world to me and are my world. I will always have that question in the back of my head as to why I have had to endure one of the most heart renching of trials (to me), infertility.
This is how I feel today
Posted by Kerri
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7 comments:
I love you, Kerri.
You truly are an inspiration, and quite possibly one of the most truly great mothers of our time. There is no doubt to even the most casual observer that you are utterly in love with your children. I love to see you with them. You didn't know I was watching, but watching is what I do! ;)
Of course I can't relate about the pregnancy issue, but I can with the infertility. It hurts so much to watch families grow, yet at the same time I rejoice for them, grateful for their blessings.
It has especially hit me hard this year with no children at home all day. I'm at the end of an era. No more diapers, no more toys, no more baby laughter, no more baby book firsts. My future firsts are not the ones you look forward to, they are the ones you dread: first kiss, first heartbreak, first speeding ticket... And the good firsts to come, are also goodbyes: first graduation, first missionary, first wedding. Oh, the heartaches and heartjoys to come!
I suppose the lesson lies in looking to the heartjoys and never-minding the heartaches that come with. There is great enduring sorrow in the heart that breaks and does not heal. I know it is a hard thing to endure infertility, it was a hard thing for me to endure deaths and endings over and over again. So many nameless, faceless infants lost to a weak woman's womb.
Nonetheless, I must heal. To fail to heal would be a failure on my part to find gratitude. I have three wonderful, healthy children. Three quickly growing children. Three sweet spirits who do not need to be burdened with jealousy for the sorrows that can't be held in a broken heart. For them I must set aside grief, allow the Atonement to swallow all pain, and by so doing, be able to live for the heartjoys with which I am so enormously blessed.
Do not worry. All is right. This is YOUR plan. Your plan, that you knew would be hard, but because of your eternal knowledge then, you chose anyway. The key to joy is to not limit our happiness to what we know now, but to be at peace despite the elements left unexplained to our temporal minds.
Does not all sorrow attach itself to time or a time frame? Sorrow for things we've DONE, things we've NEVER done. Sorrow for difficult TIMES. Sorrow for things we are enduring NOW. It's all based on a timeline way of thinking.
In the Lord's eternal timeline, all IS well, all IS right. I have no doubt that when the veil of time's limitations is removed, we will find no difficulty in agreeing that it always WAS.
There are many trials that I do not understand, but I don't doubt that they will all seem wisdom to us someday. It's all part of His Plan, and with Him as the author, I know it is perfectly written for us all.
Kerri, I am sorry for your pain, my thoughts and prayers are with you...I had to find a spiritual thought for YW yesterday and I found this one "What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us." So I think that its okay to hurt and its okay to love Hollie and Ethan. Its okay to be exactly who you are and feel what you feel... Your a beautiful person no matter what..
Hi Kerri,
I totally relate to your feelings. I like the quote your friend used for Young woman cause it is true. Although we have these two beautiful children. And they are truely our own miracles. We still feel that void. I have dreams about being pregnant or more babies. And then I hear two more of my neices are pregnant. But I can tell you that the void does get better. See I had to deal with infertility for 8 years before we got our children. I just imerged myself with my family that were having babies and it was hard but it diffently got better. I still have moments but it does get better. I promise.
Kerri, I am so sorry for your pain. I was single until 29. During my single years I would hear about my friends' struggles with infertility or babies with SIDS and I concluded that at least my problem (of being single) did not involve life and death the way theirs (yours) did. The thought helped me feel better in my situation. No question, your trouble is hard to touch for its difficulty. I am so sorry. I actually had no clue you adopted your darling children until today.
One of my friends wrote a blog post about her similar lonely feelings of infertility. I will send you the link on facebook.
Thinking of you...
i stumbled into your blog and am thankful to have read- your thoughts are touching and I am so sorry that you must experience so much pain. It really is not fair...yet you carry the load and are able to live life with so much happiness and warmth that you spread it to others around you..that was noticed the other day. You must be someone with more strength and faith than most...I can't imagine how hard it must be,but thank you for reminding me to show more gratitude for my own blessings to my Heavenly Father.
Kerri, thank you for always being so sincere and inspiring to me. I have such great admiration for mothers who adopt - and who rescue babies and bring them up in their home! There is a special purpose for most of our challenges. I know that Heavenly Father sends them to us, so that our lives, and the lives of others can be blessed!
It is so frustrating to me to see so many babies being born into such terrible situations when there are people like you around wishing you could have them... but then again I'm so glad that maybe somehow they can end up in your loving arms! I have a sibling who has lost her children due to her drug problems and can I just say that I died inside thinking of my baby nieces in strangers homes not being loved!!! Thank you for your amazing mother heart. It continues to inspire me as a mother daily!!
Kerri,
We don't really know eachother. Passing in the halls at church isn't really much of a friendship, but it's good. I appreciate your post, and that we can at least relate in the blogging world.
It's ironic that we sit on opposite sides of the fence. I was the young career bound girl with dreams of becoming a CEO. Instead, I became the mother of 8....a daunting task for me.
As I sit here tonight, tired from my day, I feel a little more gratitude for the many trials I can call my own. When it came to bringing children into this world, for some reason, I could not say no. The other day in the temple, the sealer commented on our large family. He has watched it double in size. He commented about us having more sons. I told him it would probably kill me. He said, "But you would do it if you were asked, wouldn't you Sister Glenn?" Without thinking (and painfully) I replied, "Of course."
My laundry regulargly piles up. My dishes are never done. The homework is a nightmare. My house is never clean. I don't sleep or eat or sit still very often. And those is just the temporal things. To add the spiritual responsibility of raising such a larger crew keeps me awake most nights. There are so many things I cannot do.
But one thing is for sure, we do whatever we are asked. We carry our burdens with as much dignity as we can.
Pregnancy is not all it's cracked up to be. Don't ever feel like you missed out on it. I am sure that had I been given the choice, I probably would have chosen your life. I guess that's why we are not always granted the opportunity to choose.
It's comforting to understand that Heavenly Father knows what is best for us.
So we could trade lives for a day, but I am pretty sure we wouldn't exchange our own personal worlds for anything else.
Thanks for your honesty. It's refreshing. I hope someday we have the opportunity to hang out a bit. I also hope that someday we both find the peace we so desperately seek.
Sincerely,
Beth Glenn
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