As we all know we have our trials and challenges in life. As I have been facing my most biggest trial the thought comes to my mind, "I will never be given more than I can handle". Well, this trial is weighing on me more now than ever before. The trial of not only infertility, but the cause of my infertility endometriosis. (now, I am really posting this for my benefit, to get things off my mind and express my gratitude to my husband and 2 beautiful children). On one hand I am so grateful for this trial because if it wasn't for it I wouldn't have my Hollie and Ethan and I couldn't imagine my life without them. Hollie and Ethan are OUR world, they are our everything and we love them more than anything in this world. We KNOW how SPECIAL they are and LOVE them SO much. I look at them every day and thank my Father in Heaven for sending them to our family in such a special way.
Getting pregnant has been impossible for us. The reason behind it is endometriosis. Now, I can ask all the why's, but there is no need to go there. A part of me understands why, but the other part doesn't and I know that one day it will all be made very clear to me as to why. We have done all the infertility treatments except for invitro; I don't feel a need to take it that far, so we haven't. After Hollie was born we knew that we wanted one more, so we started back at the infertility treatment center and there was still no luck. A few months into it we received notice of Ethan and knew that our prayers were answered. We are so grateful and feel so blessed to have Hollie and Ethan as our children. I firmly believe that they both were to be our children, no matter what, wether it was through adoption or not.
So, here is my frustration. In my mind I just figured that all the problems I was having would just automatically go away because my desire, my dream of having children came true. Yes, that may be nieve of me to think, but that's just what I assumed. Don't they say, once you have something that you have always wanted the problem goes away? Well, that has not happened. Matter of fact, I seem to think the problem is worsening as time goes on. I just don't get it. I have moments and months when I am great and then something happens, I go to the doctor and I am back at square one and the problem is still there, plus a few new problems. I am now at the point where a few BIG decisions need to be made and I really don't know what to do. I am probably going to have to have a couple surgies (not big I hope) and then do some treatment afterwards. The treatment is going on medication and I DON'T want to do that. I don't want to be controlled by medication, who does? Especially the stuff I would be on all has to do with hormones, why do I want to do that to myself, my husband and my children? One of the medications would put me through menapause, hello I am only 30 (9more days) can't we just take it ALL out. Nope, that is not an option because no.1 I am to young (well, I may be but my body is not acting young...hehe) no.2, as my doctor and husband say, that will turn me into another woman and I would still have to take hormones, ugh the fun of being a girl! Don't get me wrong I have talked to a few women that are on a couple hormones and are doing great and then you hear the nighmare stories. I know medication has its place, but I just don't want to be on it. Another option is to TRY and get pregnant again with some infertility drugs, ugh, do I want to go through that again? Then raises the MANY questions of; is there another child that is to come to our family, if so, how many? if I was to get pregnant would I be "high risk"? would I be on bed rest for 9 months? what if I have a miscarriage? all these questions and more run through my mind daily. I know what I need to do to find my answer but I am scared. Scared of what? Scared of hearing that I need to "take the risk" and try and get pregnant. I have closed the door on that issue and accepted the fact that I cannot and do I want to open that again? I am not sure. If it is what we are suppose to do, I will, but I am affraid of rejection for the umpteenth time. I am affraid of opening ALL that I have put away and facing it again. I have what I have always dreamed about and that is children, being a mom and a wife. If we feel we are to have another child why not adopt? I LOVE ADOPTION!!! I don't look at it any different than I would bearing a child. To me, I don't know the other and this is just as good, if not better because of ALL that is involved. Yes, it does have it's own rollercoaster, but I would do it 10 times over because it is amazing to me and I LOVE IT. The reason for getting pregnant would be to TRY and stop the endometriosis from growing and hopefully put it in remission. I am not just going to get pregnant for that reason, I don't think that's right. If pregnancy is what we are suppose to do then I feel it will happen for the right reason; because a child is to come to our family that way. There are just so many risks involved and unkowns and yes, life is an unkown also.
I have to brag for a few minutes and say that I truly have the BEST husband in the world! Before we were married we talked about having children one day, the family we would raise, the parents we would be and the dreams that we wanted to live. Going through all that we have with trying to grow our family was never talked about. Ryan has not complained once, never has put ANY guilt on me for not being able to bear his child. As he said to me the other day, "Kerri, we both chose this, you didn't choose it by yourself and I didn't choose it by mine." I couldn't agree with him more, but I still feel guilty. He continues to re-assure me everyday that he doesn't think twice about it. But still, I do. I fear disappointing him every time the pregnancy test is negative. I don't cry for me I cry for him. I would do ANYTHING in this world for him and why I can't bear his child, because that is what WE chose as a couple before we came to this earth. I am sure we did choose that because I couldn't have gone through ANY of this without him. He is my rock, he carries me through the good and the bad. He is ALWAYS there for me and LOVES me unconditionally despite my own trials. I have truly been blessed and I am SO grateful to my Father in Heaven for what He has sent me.
This is a little off subject, but it will all come together, you will see. Hollie LOVES High School Musical 3. She got the CD from the Easter Bunny and LOVES to listen to it over and over. Well, since she loves to listen to it ALL the time, I do too. This last week there is this one song that has caught my ear a few times and when I really listened to it and sat down and read the words it made me think of what I am going through and how Ryan has "danced" with me through it all.
Can I Have This Dance
Take my hand
Take a breath
Pull me close
And take one step
Keep your eyes locked on mine
And let the music be your guide
Won't you promise me, that you'll never forget
We'll keep dancin' wherever we go next
Chorus
It's like catching lightning, the chances of finding someone like you
It's one in a million, the chances of feeling the way we do
And with every step together
We just keep on getting better
So can I have this dance
Can I have this dance
Take my hand
I'll take the lead
And every turn
Will be safe with me
Don't be afraid, afraid to fall
You know I'll catch you through it all
And you can't keep us apart
Even a thousand miles
Can't keep us apart
'Cause my hear is wherever you are
Chorus
No Mountain's too high, no ocean's to wide
'Cause together or not
Our dance won't stop
Let it rain, let it pour
What we have is worth fighting for
You know I believe, that we were meant to be
Chorus
Can I have this dance
Can I have this dance
This song just makes me think about life and dancing through life with Ryan no matter what comes our way. I am so grateful for Ryan and the man that he is. I am one lucky girl to have such a supportive husband and who loves me no matter what.
Well, this post is getting really long and I think I have done enough complaining for the day. Don't get me wrong, I am grateful for this trial because of the blessings that have come out of it. I couldn't imagine my life any other way than where it is right now. I just wish I still didn't have to deal with "these" issues and hopefully I can get them resolved as soon as possible. I know it is going to take a lot of prayer, visiting the temple and faith. I know that we will make the best decision for our family and do what we feel is best. What it is, I am not sure, but hopefully we will find our answers soon. All our trials have their blessings in the end and through and I am grateful, once again, for my blessings that have come out of this trial.
Trials and challenges
Our weekend happenings..fun, adventerous, embarassing and memorable
This weekend was a busy one to say the least, but great! KC and Brookie came into town Thursday night and we were able to watch baby Owen on Friday and it was LOTS OF FUN. Owen is a PERFECT baby!! He is so cute and so much fun. I LOVED watching Hollie play with him, take care of him, sing him songs and read him books. We must have worn Owen out because he took a 3 HOUR nap!!!!! What? there has NEVER been such a thing at my house. I kept checking on him every 20 minutes to make sure he was still breathing, and he was, thank goodness. We had a great time and enjoyed seeing KC, Brookie and Owen. Thank you guys for a FUN FILLED DAY!!!
Saturday, was busy for me. I had a bridal shower to be at at 12 and I went shopping for the gift at 10:30am; nothing like waiting till the last minute. I normally don't do this, I am usually prepared. Anyway, I got home, tidied up the house, picked up the babysitter and then we were off to our ward Luau. It was a lot of fun and very COLD, believe it or not. Thanks to a great friend who brought us some jackets, that really helped.
Sunday was also busy. Relaxed in the morning, went to church at 12, came home early because we had to be at Ryan's cousins house for his daughters baby blessing. It was an eventful with a few FUNNY happinings. First off I was showering this morning and realized that the water pressure was low and that the water was lukewarm. I am one for nice HOT showers, not lukewarm. I was thinking why it would be like this and I remembered the dishwasher was going and that was the end of that thought until tonight. I was showering this evening and the water was still the SAME!!! What the heck, I said. I want my HOT showers. I called to Ryan and I said there is something wrong with our water, I have it ALL the way on HOT and it is LUKEWARM....what's the deal? This smile comes across his face and he says, that he was trying to save money and turned our water heater down!! I said, you did what? He said, I did it yesterday and I only turned it down 4 notches...only 4 notches, I said!!! Couldn't you do one at a time? So, he laughed and went and turned it up 3 notches, but I still got a cold shower. My cute husband always trying to find a way to save money. Next time, lets do it gradual and not all at once, please. It gave for a great laugh. I look forward to my HOT shower tomorrow....Hooray!!
Hollie, oh lets just say, sweet, cute, adorable and drama!!!! As we were on our way to the baby blessing she was throwing an outrageous fit in the car. I knew it was because she was tired, but it got to the point that it was funny. She was saying things that didn't make sense, trying so hard to get out of her seatbelt and to make it better she was great entertainment for Ethan, because he was laughing at her and that was making her even more mad as she screamed, "NO LAUGHING ETHAN!!!!!" It was a great memorable time! A time I wish I had my video camera, because it would be fun to watch one day. We finally made it to the baby blessing and there were a ton of people there, I would say close to 50. Hollie made it very clear when we were there that there were to many people there. She told me a few times, "mom, there are too many people here". It was really cute and how did she know to say that....smart girl. She is very observant and I am learning the innocense of a 3 year old child. We were sitting on the couch relaxing and Hollie was quick to observe something and was not affraid to voice it. There was a woman there who had a big smile and it exposed a lot of her gums and Hollie had to point and loudly say, "look mom she has gums". I was SO embarassed! I said, yes Hollie she does have gums, that's a great observation, but we don't point. We then were quickly off the couch and headed outside. Oh, the fun of kids.
Ethan. All I can say is that Ryan and I learned that when we go to family functions like that Ethan goes to a babysitters house!! This kid was CRAZY!!! I don't even know how to explain it except that we are going to be the family that people dread coming to their home. During the blessing Ethan starts to scream, so I start to close the sliding glass door and then Hollie screams, Ryan's cousin paused the blessing till I dragged my kids, quickly out the door and closed it. Yup, the Larson's are here and we make it KNOWN!!! So embarassing too, but I guess that is one of the MANY joys of kids. I don't think Ryan and I have ever scarfed down dinner so fast because Ethan was into everything and everyone's dinner. We seriously would pick him up, bring him over to the table kicking and screaming, put him down and he would be gone within .2 seconds. He had SO much energy!! I was really impressed. The evening was comical and I am sure our family was great birthcontrol for those who don't have kids yet. thank goodness we both were laughing and family was laughing too. Many whom have already been through this with their boys and just wished us luck. Lesson learned, next time Ethan will stay home with a babysitter.
The moral of my stories....I REALLY LOVE BEING A MOM!!!! There is so much that happens, memories that are formed,energy found that I never thought I had and SO much LOVE. I can laugh, I can cry and I can share moments with my kids that I will remember forever, and I can LOVE them unconditionally despite what they do. I am so LUCKY to be a mom and experience ALL the FUN that comes along with it.
Ms. Hollie
Sunday Hollie wanted me to take some pictures of her, this NEVER happens, so I took advantage and thought I would share. I just LOVE her beautiful face, her smile, her nose, those cheeks and eyes, to me she is perfect. Now if we were to talk about the attitude well, that's a little different, but we are learning how to deal with that....haha. She is the cutest thing ever and I am so grateful that she is our daughter. I LOVE YOU HOLLIE!
"This is the way I role"
Having a boy in the house is VERY different from having a little girl! I will have to say that lately I have had some BIG wake up calls, that Ethan is ALL BOY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! There are things that I have NEVER had to think about with Hollie that I am now having to think of. I know that I am only getting a little taste of what life with Ethan is going to be ALL about, we are just getting started.
Let me start this by HE IS SO BUSY AND INTO EVERYTHING! We can't turn our backs on him for more than 20 seconds. A week ago Saturday the scarriest thing happened. I couldn't believe it and I felt like the Worlds WORST MOM! We were eating dinner and our neighbor came to the door to get some Easter stuff for Sunday. I let her in, Ethan was inside with us, and closed the door behind me. We were in the kitchen and within 1 1/2 minutes I had this lady pounding at our front door, which was partially opened, saying I HAVE YOUR BABY!!! WHAT???!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Yes, she had Ethan in her arms and told me that he was out in the MIDDLE OF THE STREET and they were DRIVING BY and SAW HIM!! I have NO words to describe how I felt at that very moment except GRATEFUL that they were paying ATTENTION and that it wasn't someone speeding and not paying attention. I felt and still do indebted to that woman and her husband. I gave her a BIG hug, told her thank you ten times over and just cried. I think my heart stopped for a couple minutes. I really couldn't believe what just happened and HOW LUCKY I AM THAT NOTHING HAPPENED TO MY SWEET BABY BOY!!!!
So, "This is the way I role". One day I was talking to my brother and telling him about Ethan and ALL his adventures and his response was, "This is the way I role, mom". He was saying this as if Ethan was saying it and it has stuck with me ever since. This is the way Ethan roles, SO TRUE! Don't get me wrong, we LOVE it and there is LOTS of LAUGHING going on because Ethan NEVER STOPS!! It's go go go...sleep....wake up....go go go..... It really is entertaining to watch him. His mind is running, he is trying to figure out what to climb up next, what he can throw, how much he can pull off the bottom shelf of the pantry, how many cupboards he can clean out before mom stops him and just keeps GOING. He is the Energizer Ethan, the destroyer, bubba, bubbalicious (because he is so DANG cute!), he is going going gone, he is everything boy and everything we would expect him to be.
His newest adventures are climbing up the oven/stove, yes you read that right the STOVE! I couldn't believe it...he is SO strong and can pull himself up and yes, I have pictures to prove it.
He climbs the chairs and LOVES to stand on top of the kitchen table. I have stopped that by no longer keeping chairs by the table and they now line the back of my sofa upside down.
This is his "climbing gym" and he loves to stand on it and rock it back and forth...silly kid!
Believe it or not he climb up to the top ALL BY HIMSELF!!
As Ryan and I were sitting at the dinner table last night watching Ethan roam and figure out what he was going to do next we talked about how far he, Ethan, has come. It was this time last year that Ethan was one tough cookie, and had all sorts of digestive problems. And now look at him, he is a BIG kid, wild, full of energy, non-stop, eats everything he is given, just started sleeping through the night 2 1/2 weeks ago and is doing GREAT!!! As Ryan sadly said last night, Kerri, it doesn't look like we have a tennis player on our hands I think he is going to be the star on the rugby team". I just had to laugh. Ryan was a tennis player and had a tennis scholoarship at BYU-H, and it looks like his little boy is going to play "rough" sports. Ethan's favorite thing to do is play "rough" with daddy. It's hilarious to watch because Ethan just can't get enough, he laughs and wants more more more. The second Ryan walks away and says, "all done" Ethan starts to cry because he wants MORE rough time. It really is SO funny. I think we are going to be busy with wrestling, football and rugby....all the sports a Chiropractor doesn't like because they are tough on the body. Oh, well....what do you do?
Anyway, I LOVE my Ethan more than anything in this world. I couldn't imagine life without him. He is going to continue to keep me on my toes and I am totally okay with that. I LOVE having a boy and ALL that comes with them.
A quick mention about his health. He is doing GREAT after I decided to take matters in my own hands. I was being told that he was "under weight" and that we needed to increase his calories. We tried putting him on "special" formulas and he just kept having reactions to them. It was one day that he had an allergic reaction to a drink called, Soy pediatric drink, it's kind of like pedia-sure. Anyway, we figured out that he is allergic to soy and dairy and so I have taken him off ANYTHING that has those 2 ingredients in it. I went to Sprouts and talked to one of the nutritionists there and she recommended Hemp Milk. Yes, it may sound funny, but I swear by it and it has made a world of a difference with Ethan. There is no dairy, soy or gluten in it along with a few other things and it is loaded with nutrition! I couldn't be more grateful that I found this milk and that he LOVES it!! Life is great!!!! He is sleeping through the night, napping on a schedule and SO much happier! Ethan has an allergy appointment in May and will have tests run for allergies. We are hoping he will out grow the dairy allergy, the docs say if they are going to outgrow it they will do so by age 2. We are hopeful because if not we will ALL have to change our diet around here. (that will be a little difficult, and some getting use to, but I am sure we would manage). Anyway, I just thought I would give a little update on Ethan, since I haven't in a very long time.
I would HIGHLY recommend Hemp milk to anyone who has difficulty with dairy or soy. It tastes pretty good and is thicker than other milks, i.e. rice milk.
Easter
Easter Sunday was a fun filled day. We have learned that trying to have a "spiritual" Sunday in our household is a different kind of spiritual day. We have 1 VERY busy boy and a girl that just doesn't sit still and cannot concentrat for more than 1.5 seconds. Don't get me wrong, we LOVE it and are learning out how to adjust. We talked about the reason for Easter and showed Hollie a few pictures of Jesus and that was about it. It was simple and perfect.
Our Easter started early in the morning, as I got up and started to make some breakfast. We were invited to go over to our friends at 8am for breakfast and I was to bring a egg quiche and bacon. Believe it or not we made it out the door dressed and ready by 8:00...hooray for us!!! We had a FABULOUS breakfast and then the girls went to go find their eggs. Hollie wanted them ALL, but we had to tell her that there were 6 for her and 6 for sarah. It was a hard thing for her to swallow, but we managed. As you can see in the pics she wasn't a happy girl after that..well, she had moments. Overall it was fun and we quickly got home, kids took naps and we were off to church.
Hollie showing off her basket of Easter Eggs
Don't we look like a VERY HAPPY family? I LOVE this picture!
What cute kids
Love this picture!Pictures
I have to admit that I LOVE getting pictures taken and taking pictures. Yes, I know I take LOTS, but there are many reasons behind it. I LOVE to capture every moment, every age, all the adventures, and everything I possibly can. I know life is short, and I want to make sure that I capture it all. The memories only last so long, but with pictures they last forever. It is through pictures that I remember all that I do when my mother was here and I am SO grateful for them. If it wasn't for pictures some of the memories wouldn't be there. I LOVE taking pictures of Hollie and Ethan, I truly cannot get enough of them. I wish I could just put up pictures everywhere, but that is not possible. Therefore, we will have LOTS of books and cd's FULL of pictures!
My dad LOVES pictures also. Everytime he comes out it seems as though we do new, updated, family pictures. In March we did just that. It was time because our Family grew by one more when Mr. Owen was born and we needed to have family pictures with him. Proud papa wanted new pictures of him and his 3 grandkids...wahoo! Therefore, I called up my friend Crystal and she did a FABULOUS JOB!! We all LOVE the pictures and here are a few of our favorites (well, they all are my favorites, but I could only pic a few out of 150+)..hehe. Thanks again Crystal, you are awesome!
The ending to our "Princess Bash"
It was a GREAT weekend, full of LOTS of fun and everything princess for our little princess. Our baby girl is now 3 and so far we are off to a great start! I just need to bring her back down to reality because she STILL (April 8) thinks that it's her birthday. Like my dad told me, Papa and Janene can spoil her all they want and my job is to bring things back to reality...not easy, but we am trying. HeeHee.
Well, because Hollie received SO much attention this weekend Ethan was feeling a bit left out and had to make sure he got he dose of attention also. Here is a story about our boy and what he did. Tuesday morning we were packing things up and getting ready to head back home. The rooms were conjoined rooms and one side was the Princess suite and the other was a regular room. It just so happened that ALL of us adults and Hollie were in the princess suite. I was packing, Ryan was in the shower and my dad and Janene were laying on the bed with Hollie talking about ALL the fun they had. When all of a sudden our sweet adorable Ethan decided he was going to close the door in the other room! Do you know what that means? He had locked himself in the room ALL BY HIMSELF. You know how, in the conjoined rooms, when you close one door there is no handle on the other side of the door. So, when Ethan closed the door there was no handle on the princess side to open the door. (I hope I am explaining this right). Anyway, we also soon figured out that NONE of us had our hotel room key, they were all in the other suite....the one Ethan was in. We went to call the front desk and picked up the "princess phone" and found out there was no dial tone it was just a princess talking to you and there was NO other phone in the princess suite! My dad went into the hallway to go downstairs and found an emergency phone in the Hallway...called downstairs and they sent a security guy up to open the door. As all of this is happening Hollie is entertaining Ethan by putting her hands under the door and playing with him. I am calm for the moment and just GRATEFUL that the bathroom door was closed and that he couldn't play in the toilet, trash etc... About 5 minutes later (which felt like an eternity) the security guy made it up opened the door and GUESS WHAT? The security LATCH at the top of the door was LOCKED and there was NO WAY OF GETTING IN! I began to freak out and my emotions took over. Ryan, was ready to climb across the balcony (we were on the 4th floor) because if we remembered correctly the sliding glass door was unlocked, NOT OPEN, thank goodness. The security guy didn't like that, but whatever we had to do to get our boy. The main door into the room was cracked as much as it could be and I sat and held my little Ethan's hand and cried with him. I knew we would get it open, I just couldn't stand to hear him cry and know I couldn't get to him. The security guy called downstairs told them the problem and sent another guy that knew what to do. He came up in about 10 minutes (felt like an hour) and within 2 minutes he had the door open and we were all reunited with our little boy. Yes, it was SCARY, but we survived. Just another adventure to add to our already exciting weekend. Soon afterwards we were ready to leave and make our way back home. There is always adventure I am learning when you have a BUSY one year old little boy!
Princess Birthday Bash...Part 4
Our cute family on the boats on a It's a Small World
A ice cream cookie sandwich ALWAYS makes everything ALL better!
The BOYS in the family...my dad, Ryan, Ryan's dad, and Mr. Ethan
A Picture with Mickey...Hollie was taking a MUCH NEEDED NAP.
How can we be sad at the HAPPIEST PLACE ON EARTH? Just a little attitude, that's all.
Oh, now we are happy. She just got a Minnie Mouse Balloon!
Showing off her cuteness as we wait for the "CELEBRATE" Parade
Oh, goodness now we are sad and mom is TRYING SO HARD TO HAVE FUN!!!!!
The dancers in the Parade were even trying and NOTHING was Working...Goodbye Disneyland it's time for me to go back to my "Princess Suite" and go to BED!!!
A last picture with my grandma and grandpa Larson
A last picture with Janenenene and Papa
Oh wait, I have to call Princess Sleeping Beauty and tell her I was sad during the parade. (Yes, she really did and it was SO cute!)
I even got spoiled with Room Service Pizza for Dinner...what a PRINCESS!
BEDTIME!!!! Goodnight Birthday GIRL!
Princess Birthday Bash...Part 3
Mr. Goofy
Alice sang "happy birthday" to Hollie
Hollie sharing her cupcake with Japetto
Mr. Blue
Ethan enjoying his breakfast and sprinkles from his cupcake
Mom and Hollie
Princess Birthday Bash Part 2...Princess Suite
This is a Princess phone and when you picked it up a princess would talk to you.
A princess light and the castle is a clock that has princess music...when you wish upon a star
The mirror in the bathroom had Snow White on it with the Seven dwarfs around it also and a Cinderella Clock. EVERYTHING PRINCESS FOR A PRINCESS!!!!!! 
