Nana Time

Ryan's mom was also able to come out during my recovery. It was great having her here with us and I know that Hollie LOVED having Nana here! It was all about painting nails, necklaces, anklets, and being all girl! Thanks Gayl!! Hollie loved getting her toes and nails done and she still talks about it. We have painted them a few times since and she just wants to have all the colors on her toes...too cute!!

Mommy Hollie Time

While I have been down and out, my sweet princess has been my best friend! She is always concerned about me and how my tummy is. She will randomly come up to me and say, "Mommy how's your tummy?" She was so concerned and really wanted to know how I was doing. She would come up and give me kisses, hugs or just cuddle. My favorite part was when she would come up and lay down right next to me and watch a movie or just talk. I LOVE hearing her voice. There is nothing better than hearing my little girl talk. I can have a conversation with her and I just LOVE it!! She is adorable and those moments of cuddling with her or just talking with her are priceless.

She also would come in my room when she woke up in the morning and crawl into bed with me. She wanted to be right by my side. We would talk, read books, cuddle, watch cartoons and she even helped me do sudoku (well, she liked telling me all the numbers). The time with her was PRICELESS. I love her so much and am so grateful to have her as my daughter, my princess. This surgery has taught us all a lot and although Hollie is young she understands. She knows that mommy's tummy has always been broken and that surgery was going to help me feel better. My tummy being broken will always be something that we talk about because that is why she came to us the way she did. We truly are so lucky and SO blessed. I am so glad that Hollie is young and I hope that these cuddling moments will continue.

Camping

A year ago we planned to go camping over the Fourth of July with the Hough family. Unfortunately my surgery interupted the plans and it turned out that Ryan and his brother Austin ended up going for just one night. I have to say I was really sad to not be able to go, I missed ya Shanen...maybe next year.

So, Ryan's brother flew in for a week and Ryan was very excited to spend some "one on one" time with Austin. Watching them pack for their little camping trip was cute. Ryan got everything they needed and he even went to the grocery store, picked out some food and from what I hear made delicious foil dinners. They both enjoyed their time together as brother's and loved being with the Hough family!

You may think he was crazy to leave me, but I was okay with him going. I knew it was already in the plans and if I would have told him I didn't want him to leave I know he would have stayed. Renee (she is like my second mom) was here and we just watched girl movies and chatted, it was great! I am glad Ryan had a good time and enjoyed being with his brother.

Brother's proud of their last name (Nope, no relation to Larson Waste from what we know of)

Fun with Papa and Janene

When I was going in for surgery my dad and Janene were here with the kiddos. It was evident that my dad and Janene were very excited because they seemed to have all sorts of stuff to do along with driving our little princess to all her activities. During their "watch" time, they had their running shoes on and ran from morning (5:30am with Ethan) till night. My dad and Janene did a great job and I am so grateful for them. Here are a few pictures I found on my camera of all the fun they had.

Lots of Splashpad Fun!!

Some Slip-N-Slide Fun!! Papa showing how it's done

Hollie taking a try

Ethan's turn

Some squirt-gun Fun!!

Ethan enjoying being a BOY!

"High Five" to Papa!!

Finally....A surgery update!

Well, I am alive! Thank goodness! The surgery went well. It was longer than expected and my doctor said that it was a lot worse than what he had thought. It was a complete hysterectomy which included taking out my uterus, and both ovaries. My doctor told Ryan, while I was in recovery, that there was no way I would have ever been able to get pregnant with medication or even carry a child with IVF (in-vitro fertilization) with how my ovaries and uterus looked. At first, that was hard to hear but it was a definite answer to my prayers and to the blessings which I had received prior to the surgery. Because it was a lot worse than expected I was told that I have to be down for ateast 3 weeks!! I have almost 2 wks (tom. Tuesday) down and 1 more to go before I can slowly start to do things and start to drive! I am really trying to take it easy, but I have to say it is SO hard to just lay here and not do anything. I have read a few books, become a pro at sudoku and have started writing my kids adoption stories that I will put in a book for them one day. I am trying to stay positive and keep my spirits up. My hormones are going crazy and the hot flashes are HORRIBLE!! If anyone has advice on those I would LOVE to hear about it. I don't want to have to go on medication, but these hot flashes are keeping me up at night and I never realized how good I slept at night until now. I know that my body is in shock right now and that it is going to take some time to figure itself out, but if anyone has any advice, please leave a comment I would love to hear about it. If I do need to go on hormones we have already talked about doing bio-identical, we have read about them and heard that they are great!
As of now, thank you to everyone for your thoughts, concerns and help. From my family to yours, thank you.

Our New Sunday Mornings

As I stated in a post awhile back our Sunday's are not very quiet or peaceful. We have tried a few different things with the kids and finally just gave up and accepted that we won't have nice quiet spiritual Sunday's until the kids are older. Ryan and I are both okay with it and just started to enjoy it the way it was. Well, one Sunday something happened and it has actually stuck! Hollie has come to LOVE what she calls, "Jesus movies". Her and Ryan lay on the floor with blankets and she watches these movies and will watch them over and over. Her favorite one is "To This End Was I Born". Hollie calls it her, "Jesus gets ouies movie". She will watch this, ask questions and knows exactly what is happening. The movie is about the life of Jesus and goes through all that he suffered and went through for us; including the resurection. The movie is amazing and, ofcourse, I tear up every time I watch it. It has made such a difference in our house and I am so grateful. We also have a few other cartoon movies that are for Sunday and she loves those too. I am so grateful for the small little things in life that can teach our children with the spirit.After church we come home and while I make dinner daddy reads books to Hollie and Ethan. I LOVE that our children are slowly understanding what Sunday is all about and that it is a "special" day.

I am on the phone, kids upstairs...equals...............

Hollie trying to put mascara on Ethan.

Here I was trying to arrange things for surgery and Ryan comes home walks upstairs and finds Ethan like this. We both couldn't stop laughing. Luckily mascara was only on his head and not all over furniture, but do you see how close it is to his eye???? Ya, I am SO lucky she didn't poke his eye out. Although we have had this chat about make-up before it was time we had it again. This equals two very cute, curious, fun kids who I LOVE more than anything!!

Our Amazing Weekend

Our weekend with Amanda and Alex was nothing less than great!! We enjoyed our time together as a family. They were here to not only visit us, but to visit with their friends who were getting sealed in the Temple on Saturday. We had time with them Saturday afternoon and all day Sunday.

Our plans changed a bit and instead of us girls going to get pedicure's we all ended up spending some quality time together as a family. When Amanda and Alex got back from the sealing the kids were napping and the four of us had a some time to chat. Ryan and I really wanted to express our love to Alex and let him know that we are sensitive to him and to his feelings. I know it must not have been easy for him to come and stay in our home with our two children and seeing Amanda's past. Our conversation was great! We explained our situation, told him more about us and the challenges we have had in trying to get pregnant. We told him how grateful we are for his beautiful wife and for the decisions she made for Hollie and Ethan. We expressed our love to him and how grateful we are that he loves Amanda for the woman she is. We wanted him to feel comfortable in our home, we wanted him to feel of our love for him, Amanda and our precious children. We didn't want him to feel any pressure in having to have contact with us, we wanted him to know that we respect him and both of them as a married couple and whatever is comfortable to them is comfortable to us. Ofcourse, I had tears in my eyes when I expressed my love and appreciation for Amanda and what she has given me as a mother. (well, I guess you can say I had tears in my eyes the whole time, the kids are my world and I love them and Amanda more than anything).

After nap time we headed out to the pool to cool off and have some fun! Following the pool we went to the Santan Mall and ate at our favorite restaurant, Johnny Rockets. (that was our 4th Saturday in a row eating at that place...shhh don't tell anyone). After dinner and ofcourse, their yummy shakes we enjoyed the rest of our evening walking around, letting the kids play at the park and did a little bit of shopping. Our time together was priceless and we had so much fun!!

Sunday-Father's Day-we spent the day together as a family (including Amanda and Alex). It, once again was nothing but perfect! We were so lucky to have them with us for Father's Day also. They were able to see what a great Father Ryan is and how much we love and appreciate him and ALL he does for our little family. Later on that day we headed to my Aunt and Uncle's for dinner and it was a treat to have Amanda and Alex there too. They were able to meet some of our family and see really how "crazy" we all are. Hey, we may be crazy but we have lots of fun!! Following dinner we headed home and put kids to bed and we played a great game of Ticket To Ride where Amanda beat us all. The weekend couldn't have been more perfect and it was great having Amanda and Alex with us. We love them both so much and just look at them as part of our family too.

I know this is late but I have to wish my wonderful, awesome husband a Happy Father's Day!! We are truly blessed to have the best Father in the world and I am so grateful for him and ALL that he does for our family. He is an amazing man/father and we are so lucky. There is nothing I love more than watching Ryan come through the door at the end of the day and both kids attack him saying "dadda and daddy" and then it's rough house play time. He is a fantastic father and Hollie and Ethan are so lucky to have him as their Dad!

Ethan is not in the pictures' because he was throwing a fit in the high chair...cute kid!

The greatest gift...

is the gift of love. As my mind has been so occupied with everything going on; surgery, getting the kids weeks organized, family coming out, doctors appointments and just life itself I am SO grateful for who has come to our home this weekend. We knew that they were coming and now I know why they are here. Our beautiful birthmother, Amanda and her husband are here staying with us this weekend until Monday. Atfirst, I thought it was going to make things a little bit more stressful with ALL we have going on, but it has brought a sense of peace. As I sat across the couch looking at her I couldn't help but think of all the "love" that was sitting in that room. Her love for Hollie and Ethan, our love for them, our love for her, her love for us, her love for Alex (her husband) and our love for him too. It was great....beautiful! I am so glad they both are here with our family....they are our family too. With all that I have been going through I couldn't ask for a better person to be here right now than Amanda. She is the woman that made two amazing choices that gave me the title "mother" and how grateful I am for her. Because of her I have two beautiful children and I am SO blessed. It's amazing how life works. I couldn't imagine my children coming any other way and I am SO grateful for the wonderful birthmom they have.....she is amazing!!! I look forward to the fun, relaxing weekend we have ahead of us. I am so glad that Amanda and Alex are here and I am excited to get to know Alex more too. He seems like a great, amazing guy also who loves Amanda more than anything...I like to see that. Well, I will post more later along with pictures. I can't wait for Saturday when us 3 girls (including Hollie) are going to go get pampered...hooray!!!

Walk With Me

"Walk with me, "I heard him say,

"Walk with me awhile today."

"Talk with me, "I heard him speak,

"Talk with me of the things you think."

Share with me the things you feel,

Share with me so you can heal.

Cry with me through your heartbreaks,

Cry with me when your soul aches.

Look with me, a new sunrise!

Look with me through opened eyes.

See with me the world anew,

See with me my point of view.

Laugh with me in pure delight,

Laugh with me it's all alright!

Sing with me as we stroll along,

Sing with me I love your song.

Learn with me your wondrous story,

Learn with me your prior glory.

Know with me just who you are,

Know with me we've traveled far.

Create with me and dreams come true,

Crate with me I create through you!

Walk with me on Heaven's shore,

Walk with me forever more!

Greg Olsen 2007

This poem has touched my heart in the last few weeks. I am so grateful that I came across it and it couldn't have come at a better time in my life. Going back to my post on "trials" this poem has brought lots of comfort in knowing that I "can" walk with Him and that He is right there next to me. The last month has been very trying and difficult. BIG decisions have had to be made and they are decisions I never thought I would have to make at this time in my life. I have leaned on my Father in Heaven and have prayed and fasted numerous times to know that our decision is right. I know Heavenly Father is there for me and is walking with me through this life. I have had to look at the sweet blessings that I have in my life, mainly my beautiful children, and think of how blessed I am. I know with out a shout of a doubt that Hollie and Ethan were to come to our family the way they did and I am SO grateful. I only know adoption and to me there is no other way. As I have pondered this and thought about ALL our options I continue to go back to my 2 sweet miracles and that they are. My family is my life, my everything and I am SO grateful that everyday I am able to hear the words mom, momma, mother. These are words I never thought, 3 years ago, I would hear. I am so blessed! I want to be the BEST mother for them and the BEST wife for my wonderful husband. After pondering, thinking, praying and crying every tear I have in my body with my husband we have made a hard decision and that is to have a full hysterectomy. Yes, this has been the hardest decision of my life, but I know that it's what needs to be done. I know that once this procedure is done that I can be the BEST mother and wife I can be. I am nervous, scared and have every emotion running through my body that is possible. Through all this there is a sense of peace. Through the last few weeks my mind has been confused, I didn't know what to do or where to go, there were so many options. After MUCH thought and prayer I feel that the Lord is walking me through this and is going to help me. I can honestly say that I am grateful for this trial and for what it has brought me. If it wasn't for this continual trial I would not have Hollie and Ethan. I couldn't imagine my life without them...they are my/our everything. My surgery is scheduled for June 23rd. I will be in the hospital for a couple days and then home to continue to recover. I know that this is what is to happen despite how hard it is going to be, emotionally and physically. I know that my Heavenly Father will be walking with me through every step of the way and will carry me through the rough times. My heart is so full of gratitude for all that I have been blessed with.