Trials and challenges

As we all know we have our trials and challenges in life. As I have been facing my most biggest trial the thought comes to my mind, "I will never be given more than I can handle". Well, this trial is weighing on me more now than ever before. The trial of not only infertility, but the cause of my infertility endometriosis. (now, I am really posting this for my benefit, to get things off my mind and express my gratitude to my husband and 2 beautiful children). On one hand I am so grateful for this trial because if it wasn't for it I wouldn't have my Hollie and Ethan and I couldn't imagine my life without them. Hollie and Ethan are OUR world, they are our everything and we love them more than anything in this world. We KNOW how SPECIAL they are and LOVE them SO much. I look at them every day and thank my Father in Heaven for sending them to our family in such a special way.
Getting pregnant has been impossible for us. The reason behind it is endometriosis. Now, I can ask all the why's, but there is no need to go there. A part of me understands why, but the other part doesn't and I know that one day it will all be made very clear to me as to why. We have done all the infertility treatments except for invitro; I don't feel a need to take it that far, so we haven't. After Hollie was born we knew that we wanted one more, so we started back at the infertility treatment center and there was still no luck. A few months into it we received notice of Ethan and knew that our prayers were answered. We are so grateful and feel so blessed to have Hollie and Ethan as our children. I firmly believe that they both were to be our children, no matter what, wether it was through adoption or not.
So, here is my frustration. In my mind I just figured that all the problems I was having would just automatically go away because my desire, my dream of having children came true. Yes, that may be nieve of me to think, but that's just what I assumed. Don't they say, once you have something that you have always wanted the problem goes away? Well, that has not happened. Matter of fact, I seem to think the problem is worsening as time goes on. I just don't get it. I have moments and months when I am great and then something happens, I go to the doctor and I am back at square one and the problem is still there, plus a few new problems. I am now at the point where a few BIG decisions need to be made and I really don't know what to do. I am probably going to have to have a couple surgies (not big I hope) and then do some treatment afterwards. The treatment is going on medication and I DON'T want to do that. I don't want to be controlled by medication, who does? Especially the stuff I would be on all has to do with hormones, why do I want to do that to myself, my husband and my children? One of the medications would put me through menapause, hello I am only 30 (9more days) can't we just take it ALL out. Nope, that is not an option because no.1 I am to young (well, I may be but my body is not acting young...hehe) no.2, as my doctor and husband say, that will turn me into another woman and I would still have to take hormones, ugh the fun of being a girl! Don't get me wrong I have talked to a few women that are on a couple hormones and are doing great and then you hear the nighmare stories. I know medication has its place, but I just don't want to be on it. Another option is to TRY and get pregnant again with some infertility drugs, ugh, do I want to go through that again? Then raises the MANY questions of; is there another child that is to come to our family, if so, how many? if I was to get pregnant would I be "high risk"? would I be on bed rest for 9 months? what if I have a miscarriage? all these questions and more run through my mind daily. I know what I need to do to find my answer but I am scared. Scared of what? Scared of hearing that I need to "take the risk" and try and get pregnant. I have closed the door on that issue and accepted the fact that I cannot and do I want to open that again? I am not sure. If it is what we are suppose to do, I will, but I am affraid of rejection for the umpteenth time. I am affraid of opening ALL that I have put away and facing it again. I have what I have always dreamed about and that is children, being a mom and a wife. If we feel we are to have another child why not adopt? I LOVE ADOPTION!!! I don't look at it any different than I would bearing a child. To me, I don't know the other and this is just as good, if not better because of ALL that is involved. Yes, it does have it's own rollercoaster, but I would do it 10 times over because it is amazing to me and I LOVE IT. The reason for getting pregnant would be to TRY and stop the endometriosis from growing and hopefully put it in remission. I am not just going to get pregnant for that reason, I don't think that's right. If pregnancy is what we are suppose to do then I feel it will happen for the right reason; because a child is to come to our family that way. There are just so many risks involved and unkowns and yes, life is an unkown also.
I have to brag for a few minutes and say that I truly have the BEST husband in the world! Before we were married we talked about having children one day, the family we would raise, the parents we would be and the dreams that we wanted to live. Going through all that we have with trying to grow our family was never talked about. Ryan has not complained once, never has put ANY guilt on me for not being able to bear his child. As he said to me the other day, "Kerri, we both chose this, you didn't choose it by yourself and I didn't choose it by mine." I couldn't agree with him more, but I still feel guilty. He continues to re-assure me everyday that he doesn't think twice about it. But still, I do. I fear disappointing him every time the pregnancy test is negative. I don't cry for me I cry for him. I would do ANYTHING in this world for him and why I can't bear his child, because that is what WE chose as a couple before we came to this earth. I am sure we did choose that because I couldn't have gone through ANY of this without him. He is my rock, he carries me through the good and the bad. He is ALWAYS there for me and LOVES me unconditionally despite my own trials. I have truly been blessed and I am SO grateful to my Father in Heaven for what He has sent me.
This is a little off subject, but it will all come together, you will see. Hollie LOVES High School Musical 3. She got the CD from the Easter Bunny and LOVES to listen to it over and over. Well, since she loves to listen to it ALL the time, I do too. This last week there is this one song that has caught my ear a few times and when I really listened to it and sat down and read the words it made me think of what I am going through and how Ryan has "danced" with me through it all.
Can I Have This Dance
Take my hand
Take a breath
Pull me close
And take one step
Keep your eyes locked on mine
And let the music be your guide

Won't you promise me, that you'll never forget
We'll keep dancin' wherever we go next

Chorus
It's like catching lightning, the chances of finding someone like you
It's one in a million, the chances of feeling the way we do
And with every step together
We just keep on getting better
So can I have this dance
Can I have this dance

Take my hand
I'll take the lead
And every turn
Will be safe with me
Don't be afraid, afraid to fall
You know I'll catch you through it all

And you can't keep us apart
Even a thousand miles
Can't keep us apart
'Cause my hear is wherever you are

Chorus

No Mountain's too high, no ocean's to wide
'Cause together or not
Our dance won't stop
Let it rain, let it pour
What we have is worth fighting for
You know I believe, that we were meant to be

Chorus

Can I have this dance
Can I have this dance

This song just makes me think about life and dancing through life with Ryan no matter what comes our way. I am so grateful for Ryan and the man that he is. I am one lucky girl to have such a supportive husband and who loves me no matter what.
Well, this post is getting really long and I think I have done enough complaining for the day. Don't get me wrong, I am grateful for this trial because of the blessings that have come out of it. I couldn't imagine my life any other way than where it is right now. I just wish I still didn't have to deal with "these" issues and hopefully I can get them resolved as soon as possible. I know it is going to take a lot of prayer, visiting the temple and faith. I know that we will make the best decision for our family and do what we feel is best. What it is, I am not sure, but hopefully we will find our answers soon. All our trials have their blessings in the end and through and I am grateful, once again, for my blessings that have come out of this trial.