Finally....A surgery update!

Well, I am alive! Thank goodness! The surgery went well. It was longer than expected and my doctor said that it was a lot worse than what he had thought. It was a complete hysterectomy which included taking out my uterus, and both ovaries. My doctor told Ryan, while I was in recovery, that there was no way I would have ever been able to get pregnant with medication or even carry a child with IVF (in-vitro fertilization) with how my ovaries and uterus looked. At first, that was hard to hear but it was a definite answer to my prayers and to the blessings which I had received prior to the surgery. Because it was a lot worse than expected I was told that I have to be down for ateast 3 weeks!! I have almost 2 wks (tom. Tuesday) down and 1 more to go before I can slowly start to do things and start to drive! I am really trying to take it easy, but I have to say it is SO hard to just lay here and not do anything. I have read a few books, become a pro at sudoku and have started writing my kids adoption stories that I will put in a book for them one day. I am trying to stay positive and keep my spirits up. My hormones are going crazy and the hot flashes are HORRIBLE!! If anyone has advice on those I would LOVE to hear about it. I don't want to have to go on medication, but these hot flashes are keeping me up at night and I never realized how good I slept at night until now. I know that my body is in shock right now and that it is going to take some time to figure itself out, but if anyone has any advice, please leave a comment I would love to hear about it. If I do need to go on hormones we have already talked about doing bio-identical, we have read about them and heard that they are great!
As of now, thank you to everyone for your thoughts, concerns and help. From my family to yours, thank you.

Our New Sunday Mornings

As I stated in a post awhile back our Sunday's are not very quiet or peaceful. We have tried a few different things with the kids and finally just gave up and accepted that we won't have nice quiet spiritual Sunday's until the kids are older. Ryan and I are both okay with it and just started to enjoy it the way it was. Well, one Sunday something happened and it has actually stuck! Hollie has come to LOVE what she calls, "Jesus movies". Her and Ryan lay on the floor with blankets and she watches these movies and will watch them over and over. Her favorite one is "To This End Was I Born". Hollie calls it her, "Jesus gets ouies movie". She will watch this, ask questions and knows exactly what is happening. The movie is about the life of Jesus and goes through all that he suffered and went through for us; including the resurection. The movie is amazing and, ofcourse, I tear up every time I watch it. It has made such a difference in our house and I am so grateful. We also have a few other cartoon movies that are for Sunday and she loves those too. I am so grateful for the small little things in life that can teach our children with the spirit.After church we come home and while I make dinner daddy reads books to Hollie and Ethan. I LOVE that our children are slowly understanding what Sunday is all about and that it is a "special" day.

I am on the phone, kids upstairs...equals...............

Hollie trying to put mascara on Ethan.

Here I was trying to arrange things for surgery and Ryan comes home walks upstairs and finds Ethan like this. We both couldn't stop laughing. Luckily mascara was only on his head and not all over furniture, but do you see how close it is to his eye???? Ya, I am SO lucky she didn't poke his eye out. Although we have had this chat about make-up before it was time we had it again. This equals two very cute, curious, fun kids who I LOVE more than anything!!

Our Amazing Weekend

Our weekend with Amanda and Alex was nothing less than great!! We enjoyed our time together as a family. They were here to not only visit us, but to visit with their friends who were getting sealed in the Temple on Saturday. We had time with them Saturday afternoon and all day Sunday.

Our plans changed a bit and instead of us girls going to get pedicure's we all ended up spending some quality time together as a family. When Amanda and Alex got back from the sealing the kids were napping and the four of us had a some time to chat. Ryan and I really wanted to express our love to Alex and let him know that we are sensitive to him and to his feelings. I know it must not have been easy for him to come and stay in our home with our two children and seeing Amanda's past. Our conversation was great! We explained our situation, told him more about us and the challenges we have had in trying to get pregnant. We told him how grateful we are for his beautiful wife and for the decisions she made for Hollie and Ethan. We expressed our love to him and how grateful we are that he loves Amanda for the woman she is. We wanted him to feel comfortable in our home, we wanted him to feel of our love for him, Amanda and our precious children. We didn't want him to feel any pressure in having to have contact with us, we wanted him to know that we respect him and both of them as a married couple and whatever is comfortable to them is comfortable to us. Ofcourse, I had tears in my eyes when I expressed my love and appreciation for Amanda and what she has given me as a mother. (well, I guess you can say I had tears in my eyes the whole time, the kids are my world and I love them and Amanda more than anything).

After nap time we headed out to the pool to cool off and have some fun! Following the pool we went to the Santan Mall and ate at our favorite restaurant, Johnny Rockets. (that was our 4th Saturday in a row eating at that place...shhh don't tell anyone). After dinner and ofcourse, their yummy shakes we enjoyed the rest of our evening walking around, letting the kids play at the park and did a little bit of shopping. Our time together was priceless and we had so much fun!!

Sunday-Father's Day-we spent the day together as a family (including Amanda and Alex). It, once again was nothing but perfect! We were so lucky to have them with us for Father's Day also. They were able to see what a great Father Ryan is and how much we love and appreciate him and ALL he does for our little family. Later on that day we headed to my Aunt and Uncle's for dinner and it was a treat to have Amanda and Alex there too. They were able to meet some of our family and see really how "crazy" we all are. Hey, we may be crazy but we have lots of fun!! Following dinner we headed home and put kids to bed and we played a great game of Ticket To Ride where Amanda beat us all. The weekend couldn't have been more perfect and it was great having Amanda and Alex with us. We love them both so much and just look at them as part of our family too.

I know this is late but I have to wish my wonderful, awesome husband a Happy Father's Day!! We are truly blessed to have the best Father in the world and I am so grateful for him and ALL that he does for our family. He is an amazing man/father and we are so lucky. There is nothing I love more than watching Ryan come through the door at the end of the day and both kids attack him saying "dadda and daddy" and then it's rough house play time. He is a fantastic father and Hollie and Ethan are so lucky to have him as their Dad!

Ethan is not in the pictures' because he was throwing a fit in the high chair...cute kid!

The greatest gift...

is the gift of love. As my mind has been so occupied with everything going on; surgery, getting the kids weeks organized, family coming out, doctors appointments and just life itself I am SO grateful for who has come to our home this weekend. We knew that they were coming and now I know why they are here. Our beautiful birthmother, Amanda and her husband are here staying with us this weekend until Monday. Atfirst, I thought it was going to make things a little bit more stressful with ALL we have going on, but it has brought a sense of peace. As I sat across the couch looking at her I couldn't help but think of all the "love" that was sitting in that room. Her love for Hollie and Ethan, our love for them, our love for her, her love for us, her love for Alex (her husband) and our love for him too. It was great....beautiful! I am so glad they both are here with our family....they are our family too. With all that I have been going through I couldn't ask for a better person to be here right now than Amanda. She is the woman that made two amazing choices that gave me the title "mother" and how grateful I am for her. Because of her I have two beautiful children and I am SO blessed. It's amazing how life works. I couldn't imagine my children coming any other way and I am SO grateful for the wonderful birthmom they have.....she is amazing!!! I look forward to the fun, relaxing weekend we have ahead of us. I am so glad that Amanda and Alex are here and I am excited to get to know Alex more too. He seems like a great, amazing guy also who loves Amanda more than anything...I like to see that. Well, I will post more later along with pictures. I can't wait for Saturday when us 3 girls (including Hollie) are going to go get pampered...hooray!!!

Walk With Me

"Walk with me, "I heard him say,

"Walk with me awhile today."

"Talk with me, "I heard him speak,

"Talk with me of the things you think."

Share with me the things you feel,

Share with me so you can heal.

Cry with me through your heartbreaks,

Cry with me when your soul aches.

Look with me, a new sunrise!

Look with me through opened eyes.

See with me the world anew,

See with me my point of view.

Laugh with me in pure delight,

Laugh with me it's all alright!

Sing with me as we stroll along,

Sing with me I love your song.

Learn with me your wondrous story,

Learn with me your prior glory.

Know with me just who you are,

Know with me we've traveled far.

Create with me and dreams come true,

Crate with me I create through you!

Walk with me on Heaven's shore,

Walk with me forever more!

Greg Olsen 2007

This poem has touched my heart in the last few weeks. I am so grateful that I came across it and it couldn't have come at a better time in my life. Going back to my post on "trials" this poem has brought lots of comfort in knowing that I "can" walk with Him and that He is right there next to me. The last month has been very trying and difficult. BIG decisions have had to be made and they are decisions I never thought I would have to make at this time in my life. I have leaned on my Father in Heaven and have prayed and fasted numerous times to know that our decision is right. I know Heavenly Father is there for me and is walking with me through this life. I have had to look at the sweet blessings that I have in my life, mainly my beautiful children, and think of how blessed I am. I know with out a shout of a doubt that Hollie and Ethan were to come to our family the way they did and I am SO grateful. I only know adoption and to me there is no other way. As I have pondered this and thought about ALL our options I continue to go back to my 2 sweet miracles and that they are. My family is my life, my everything and I am SO grateful that everyday I am able to hear the words mom, momma, mother. These are words I never thought, 3 years ago, I would hear. I am so blessed! I want to be the BEST mother for them and the BEST wife for my wonderful husband. After pondering, thinking, praying and crying every tear I have in my body with my husband we have made a hard decision and that is to have a full hysterectomy. Yes, this has been the hardest decision of my life, but I know that it's what needs to be done. I know that once this procedure is done that I can be the BEST mother and wife I can be. I am nervous, scared and have every emotion running through my body that is possible. Through all this there is a sense of peace. Through the last few weeks my mind has been confused, I didn't know what to do or where to go, there were so many options. After MUCH thought and prayer I feel that the Lord is walking me through this and is going to help me. I can honestly say that I am grateful for this trial and for what it has brought me. If it wasn't for this continual trial I would not have Hollie and Ethan. I couldn't imagine my life without them...they are my/our everything. My surgery is scheduled for June 23rd. I will be in the hospital for a couple days and then home to continue to recover. I know that this is what is to happen despite how hard it is going to be, emotionally and physically. I know that my Heavenly Father will be walking with me through every step of the way and will carry me through the rough times. My heart is so full of gratitude for all that I have been blessed with.

We have a gymnist!!!

Thursday was Hollie's last day of her first 6 weeks in gymnastics. When she first started I wasn't to sure how much she would like it. It took her a little while to warm up to her coach, but once she did she was very comfortable and confident. We have been SO lucky in that Hollie has had "private" lessons for 5 of the classes. And wow, has it been to her benefit!
Thursday as I sat and watched her do the stretching, balance beam, climbing the rope (with very little help), and the bars I was so impressed. There was a lady sitting next to me who took a few pictures of Hollie on the bars. While I was talking with her she was complimenting on Hollie and how good she is for her age. I said thank you and then I hear Hollie's coach yell, "mom, look over here, girls her age don't do this." I looked and watched Hollie jump from a small trampoline onto the bar and hold herself up (straight arms).

Coach was SO proud of her and ofcourse so was I. I and the lady next to me were clapping and Hollie was just beaming, we were all so proud of her. She then preceeded to hang from the bar and pull her legs up and go around the bar with little help!!! Once again we were ALL SO proud of her and all that she has accomplished. Once class was over coach came up to me and we chatted about Hollie for a couple minutes. He is SO amazed with her strength for being only 3. I told him that we had her enrolled in the summer class and what he would recommend. He asked how old she was again, (couldn't remember if she was 3 or 4) and then said hold on. He went to the front desk to ask how old the kids had to be to be in level one and unfortunately she has to be 5. Coach said, Hollie will go very far if you keep her in it; she has the strength, tone and body type, coordination and desire. I was SO proud of my little girl! Hearing such an awesome compliment about Hollie just made me beam from ear to ear. Hollie has always amazed us by her strength and energy. We know she is going to be a great athlete because it is in her genes. It's fun and exciting to see a little 3 year old succeed like she did and LOVE it!! Way to go Hollie and we look forward to watching you continue to grow.

I just have to brag

For Hollie's birthday the theme was princess. So, I had this vision of making Hollie and tutu and and having a shirt embroidered for her that said, Princess Birthday 3. I did all this and I loved the way her tutu turned out. She was a princess. I got her picture taken in it...she wasn't happy and wouldn't smile, but that's my girl.

Anyway, one of Hollie's friends had her 3rd birthday recently and I thought I would make her a tutu also. I did and was SO impressed with it and how it turned out I was bummed that I couldn't keep it so, I took a picture of it and thought I would show it off. They are so easy, so inexpensive and SO fun to make and little girlies just love them!

Our Hollie

Since I did a post about Ethan I have to do one for Hollie too. She is growing up SO fast! I cannot believe that she is a little girl. I have recently enrolled her in preschool and cannot believe that time is here. She will start in August and continue on till she is done with college....yikes! All I can say is Holy Cow and hold on!!! Next time I blink she will be graduating college, I hope, married and starting life on her own. Wow!!

Anyway, enough about that, I will just enjoy the time I have with her right now and PRAY that We will teach her what is right and wrong and that she will make GOOD choices throughout life.

Okay, now onto what she has been up to.

She is in gymnastics and loves it. (There is a post about it further down).

Despite how hot it is outside she loves being outdoors and playing in the splashpad.

I don't know where this came from but she loves to carry her dolls around in her dress. As we all know I have never been pregnant so I am not sure how she got the idea, but meet baby Owen. Owen, as some know, is my brother's little baby. He and his family live in Utah and Hollie misses Owen so much that she decided to name her baby Owen. Yes, Owen wears pink, poor guy, and we cannot change is outfit per Hollie. We put baby Owen to sleep, in time out, he eats, drinks and even has poopy diapers. He comes with us in the car in his own carrier and sits in the middle between Hollie and Ethan. If he is being good he even gets to come shopping with us and his mommy, Hollie, gets to push him in his own stroller...I love the looks I get with this, but it's too cute! Owen is a part of our family and as Hollie says, "we love him so much". I love watching her with this baby, I love watching her imagination and pretend play, it's all SO FUN!!

She is turning into a little model and I have to admit I LOVE taking her pictures.
You may ask why she is standing by the fan? well, I have NO idea, that's where she wanted her picture taken.

She has on some lipstick and thought she looked WAY cute!

LOVE LOVE LOVE that smile

Hollie loves to help me make dinner and cookies and this night we were making chicken enchiladas and she wanted to be just like mom with her apron. No worries the stove is off and she is just mixing.A HOT afternoon at the outdoor mall playground.

How can you not love this picture....it tells so much!
I LOVE my baby girl!!

Our busy boy

I thought I would post a little bit about Ethan and what he has been up to lately. Like I have said before he runs a BUSY schedule and here is what he has added to he already BUSY schedule.

Opening the dishwasher, standing on it and taking dishes out.

Screaming when he doesn't get something that he wants that he cannot have Climbing onto the train/lego table and throwing everything out....sometimes Standing on top of his little sports center and making sure sister CANNOT get on itStands on this as if it's his motorcycle (takes after his papa Cowles)
Being SO DANG CUTE that I just cannot get enough of him Enjoying his first EVER bits of an ice cream cone and LOVED it!! (I took, like, 30 pictures of him eating this because he was so cute and wanted more more more!!)

Boy, do I just LOVE my BOY!!!!!